And Now, This Breaking Story….

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~ (LONDON) AN OXFORD academic researcher digging deep into the archived papers of alleged author and teacher J.R.R. Tolkien has discovered what could be one of the most shocking literary frauds of the 20th century. Ph.D Candidate Giovanni DelSarto claims that Tolkien stole the entire idea of Middle Earth from Walt Disney.

Disney Tolkien

Originally, Tolkien’s ‘Gimli the Dwarf’ was to be played by an amalgam of ‘Dopey’ and ‘Grumpy’ from Snow White. Of course, Mickey Mouse had the Frodo role, and his nephews Morty & Ferdy were the other ‘little people’ of the Ring-Quest, along with Pluto the dog. ‘Aragorn’ was to have been none other than that beloved character Goofy; Peter Pan was lost behind ‘Legolas’; ‘Gandalf’ would have been performed by Pinnochio, or possibly an early cartoon studio-version of the one-eyed Mike Wizowski from ‘Monsters Inc.’. Winnie The Pooh was ditched by Tolkien in favour of ‘Boromir’, and so the revisionism and plagiarism went on and on. Thus it was the world was deprived of a musical-filled ‘Walt Disney’s Lord Of The Rings: An Animated Fun Time’, replete with dancing orcs.

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One Disney executive spoke with us on condition of anonymity. “Tolkien cooked up this image of the cuddly old Oxford prof, smoking a pipe and drinking strange beer and toddling about the garden. No way. He was a hard man, stone cold, the head of the Oxford Mafia. He had a group of fixers he called ‘The Elves’. I’m not allowed to name names, but Disney lost a lot of good people in the Tolkien wars: Walt himself was captured and tortured three times with small kitchen appliances. JRR? An horrible, horrible man. That Peter Jackson has been part of the cover-up, too.”

Tolkien’s literary heir and reputed consigliare “Bloody Pen” Christopher could not be reached for comment.

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