Lazy, With Bells On

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~ ITEM: Everything Wrong With The Hobbit– The Battle Of The Five Armies (SPOILERS)

~ ITEM: The Tolkien Nerd’s Guide to “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

~ ITEM: “The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies”: Peter Jackson’s long goodbye to Middle-earth

~ ITEM: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies: At Least It’s Over Now; and The Hobbit 2 Is Bad Fan Fiction; plus, The Oversized Ambitions of ‘The Hobbit’

~ ITEM: ‘The Hobbit’: How ‘The Desolation Of Smaug’ Should Have Ended (Video); and How The Battle Of The Five Armies Should Have Ended

~ ITEM: This Blog–  What Binks Said Aforetime About Peter Jackson

It all begins to have the air of an aging rock band’s ill-advised reunion tour.

~ Christopher Orr ~

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EVERYTHING INTO THE STEWPOT!

~ LET’S RECALL that The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Five Armies is billionaire stupid fat hobbit Peter Jackson’s last (please God!) movie exploiting and abusing Middle Earth. One might expect care, detail, fine character touches, coherent moments of battle, and– given he’s now super-rich– the very best for his many, many fans in this long, long, long goodbye.

It is to laugh. Or, to weep. So we are presented The Hobbit: The Fellowship of The Two Towers Of The King And 5 or 4 or 8 Armies Plus Giant CGI Worms. If PJ could lay hands on it, it went into the stewpot. Flee sense, begone JRR and proportion, EVERYTHING. INTO. THE. STEWPOT!!

Down We Go!

Let us consider a few lowpoints, shall we?

  • Shrugs!

    As if people will immediately remember the end of the previous movie, Peter Jackson has the fire-bombing of Hamburg wrecking of Lake-Town and the killing of the dragon Smaug at the start of this last movie. Way to deflate the emotional and dramatic balloon, Pete. Binks rewrite– instead, Smaug dies at the end of Hobbit II, but we have 5+ amazing minutes of Smaug-recall (different viewpoints, characters, flashbacks, CGI flames) to re-establish where we are, then into the Laketown refugee thing. And no, the Worm-tongue wannabee guy does not get all kinds of Jar Jar Binksian extra screen-time. Feh.

  • Lazy!

    So we have super-friends Galadriel, Elrond and Saruman actually kung-fu fighting Sauron and the Ringwraiths (albeit in ghostly form); the elf-queen banishes Sauron somewhere or other, via a repeat of her Evil Queen routine from LOTR: Gandalf gets rescued (?!). Never mind that we just got rid of the need for most of the Lord Of The Rings Books, just there. Methinks Jackson was jealous of all the success of the Marvel superhero movies and threw some of that into the Stewpot, consequences be damned.

  • Moar Lazy!

    There is now something called ‘Dragonsickness’, expert dragonsickologist Dr. Jackson warns, and Thorins are especially susceptible. Not greed, selfishness, covetousness, dragonish hoarding, a dwarvish lust for riches, but ‘a sickness’– can you say ‘midichlorians’? Is it catching? Of course, this undercuts Tolkien’s own morally serious and realistic depiction of Thorin as a kingly but deeply flawed character, tempted– as his father and grandfather were– to worship gold and the Arkenstone. The point? ALL of us can be morally dragonish. Duh? Stewpot!

  • Even More Lazy!!

    Billionaire dragon Jackson simply could not be bothered (it seems, by the end-result) to hire a medieval war expert, a historian, or even a really really nerdy Total War video-game series fan (Will Work For Red Bull) to lay out for Jackson and his animators how medieval (if fantastical) conflict actually worked. Instead, we have a seeming infinity of CGI elves, dwarveses, and orcses and humanses and bats and trolls and wargs and sandworms and eagles directly borrowed from the past movies to show Things Are Happening! Loud noises! Dangerous, bad events which make no sense, but are very very serious! This is why Tolkien imagined and wrote the novels from hobbit perspectives, so you could identify with them, and not be overwhelmed or lost in the big details of stuff and things. Pete knows better.

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I Call Nerd-Shenanigans!

Jackson wants us all to think he is the nerdiest of the nerds, but he apparently can’t even dig back into olden war-gaming, or even World Of Warcraft to work out that dwarven dukes like Dain II don’t ride sows into battle, they’d ride properly armoured-up war-boars with huge slashing tusks, tearing hoofs, levelling kicks and charges. Nope, we get a pig. Love the cameo of Billy Connolly, but I’m a sucker for a Glasgae rant. Love how they slightly muted his ‘sodding’ comment.

Lazy Jackson steals from Tolkien, indirectly from the Silmarillion (the long history book of Middle Earth), but worst of all, he steals repeatedly from himself. Every cool thing or effect in the LOTR trilogy ends up referenced, copied, or simply thrown into the hobbit Stewpot– even the female elf-warrior Tauriel is a ramped-up version of Jackson’s ramped up Arwen, because elvish princesses must fight and stuff. Girl-power!

Of course, my now having officially called Nerd-Shenanigans, Peter Jackson has one month from the time of calling to respond, or forever lose his nerd-cred. Verily, thus it is written in the ancient tomes, the Letters Of Venerable Jorath, High Nerd Scribe, and in the manuals of the holy Gygax.

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“Nerd-Shenanigans” Have Been Called. Repeat: have.. been.. called.

By The Power Of Nerd!

Now: I have some nerd cred. Collected lead miniatures in the ’70s; played D&D and many other strategy & fantasy & sci-fi wargames (many ‘inspired’ directly by Tolkien); read all the books, the Silmarillion more than a dozen times; then into the new era of Middle Earth video-games, mods, Third Age Total War, and the Lord Of The Rings Online MMORPG. Not as nerdy as some, but then again I have a life, and I’m not 15, or 50 going on 15, right?

Got that? And thus you will understand the meaning of what I say when I tell you it took me TWO WEEKS of watching this ginormous cauldron of manure to get through the entire thing once and for all. Not sure I’ve recovered yet. Not sure if I can stand the upcoming extended version.

Instead of leaning his weight on the story, he relies on CGI, whipping back and forth across a giant meaningless battle of Dagorlad at the start of the Fellowship of the Pellenor Fields The Black Gate of The Five Armies, and except for no huge explosions or robots, this might be Michael Bay sacrificing the entire fillum (except the one bright spot in this long spate of visual diarrhea: Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins) to special-effing-effects. Lazy.

After all, if Sauron had all this military hidden away, he should have just attacked anywhere but where the Dwarf and Elven and Human armies were, and rampaged his way across Middle Earth until he found the Ring. But Jackson– in this detail, as in all the others– makes clear he doesn’t care for the fans, for good directing, for realistic effects, for restraint, for careful and amazing story-telling. He’s rich and lazy and can’t be bothered any more with this inferior story-teller ‘J.R.R. Tolkien’.

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REWARD for information leading to the hobbit Bilbo Baggins in this endless trainwreck of a movie entitled ‘The Hobbit’.

Sad To Say It

The Hobbit is an adventure story for boys and girls; full of hobbit-sized and some adult-sized bad things, which are all overcome at the end by goodness and honour and decency and hobbitish ordinariness, and ordinary folk finding their inner hero, and the hidden hand of God ruling over all. Peter Jackson (become like George Lucas) is too smart for such tropes. What he can do, he will, whether it is well to do it or not. Kiwi Director-Man has become a story-wrecker, of a Great Story written by a better man and better story-writer than himself.

The entire Lord Of The Rings series is (a) high culture digested by one of the leading scholars in old languages of his time, and offered as a hobby/ braining thing for his readers to be enliftened thereby, and brought into a wider world of thought, feeling, literature, action, and moral imagination. And (b) As C.S. Lewis said of his reading of the faerie novels of George MacDonald, that they ‘baptised’ his imagination, so for many others (including this elf), The Hobbit & The Lord Of The Rings baptised my imagination, called me onwards and upwards to something/ someone (then) I-Knew-Not-What, left my mind and inward vision and imagination illuminated for a while with a brighter light from a far away land,  full of longing and hope and desire for The Whole Thing.

Tolkien helped lead me to Jesus, through his writing. It’s that simple.

“Frodo heard a sweet singing running in his mind: a song that seemed to come like a pale light behind a grey rain-curtain, and growing stronger to turn the veil all to glass and silver, until at last it was rolled back, and a far green country opened before him under a swift sunrise.”

That, ultimately, is why this Jacksonification is a horrid miscarriage of art, literature, and longing: it points to nothing but garbled sound and images and meaningless activity. More of the same– more of our fallen selves, looking into carnival mirrors– is not what we need.

What a waste. ~

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